


Gasoline and Fire

by iswawrites



Series: In The Dark [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Post Captain America : Civil War, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 11:37:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7572667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iswawrites/pseuds/iswawrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And he doesn't mean for the words to slip out of his mouth, but he didn't mean to fall in love either and look where he is now, he's too far gone, to even think of going back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**i**. _reminiscence_

 

Tony groaned as one of the piece of the support system he was building for Rhodey was being difficult and wouldn't, just _wouldn't_ , fit. He forcefully put it and grabbed its screwdriver, trying to get it right, trying to make it stay, but as he turned his tool, all the small parts near the edges started falling. He let a grunt of frustration ; he was exhausted really, had been for days, weeks, since Siberia. He tries to forget it, he desperately tries to forget the pain, the hurt, he tries to forget the rage, the wrath in Steve's eyes as he lowers the shield into the reactor, his heart, and he wants to forget it , how it stung, how it hurt seeing Steve choosing Bucky again, always choosing Bucky. He wants to forget the phone sitting somewhere in the room – ten feet away from him, on his right, near the medical file of Rhodey's improvment. He wants to forget, he wishes he could just wake up with amnesia, and he hates Steve and he hates James fucking Barnes, and he hates Vision and he hates Sam, and he hates Clint and he hates Natasha and he hates stupid Senator Ross and he hates the stupid Accords and he hates the world but mostly he hates himself for being so freaking stupid. He sighs and lets the chair spin, his dirty and tired hands in his hair, his eyes closed. He thinks about Rhodey, his Rhodey, his bestfriend, and the look on Pepper's face when she found out, the anger, the disappointment. She had told him to stop, she had thought he'd stopped, but no, no , _of course not_ , he couldn't stop, how could he ? People , little kids would look at him , their eyes so full of admiration and hope and _he just couldn't_ , and he had to do the right thing. And Ultron had set them apart, he had tried, desperately tried to patch things up, to hold onto that, but the more he tried , the more she'd push him away. And he's stupid really because that made him let his guard down. He let it down, and he let people in, and gosh, he was stupid, wasn't he ? A genius, futurist some called him, but he was really stupid.

Tony tries to fight a smile as he remembers the nights spent at the Avengers facility, how he had actually liked spending time there, with the team, with Steve. He remembers the man and the light in his eyes as he would talk about something he was passionate about, how he was so bright and smiling but sometimes all so quiet and focused and serious. And he remembers Steve visiting, not long at first, just to let him know how the training of the team was going, then the visits turned into friendly talks, then into more private talks. Tony had talked about things he had never told anyone, memories of his father, he had let himself go completely in the man's , his friend, presence. Many times, many days had been spent in this same workshop, Tony fidgetting around, taking things apart, putting them back together, while Steve watched and sketched, the silence between them comfortable and light. And this phone sitting on the table, near the file, didn't help the feeling, this immense sadness melancholia Tony was going through. And he was an expert at sprezzatura, he was born this way he'd even say, but when it came to Steve, when it came to everything that he did, Tony was left wondering, not knowing, always guessing, he didn't know how to react, how to be and he hated how Steve challenged him on a daily basis, and more, he hated how he loved it, leaned into this new feeling of being thrown off-guard. The chair stopped spinning his eyes opened, landing on the phone. He just couldn't bare it anymore. He hated Steve, he hated Barnes, he hated this stupid phone, so he took a few large steps , grabbed the device and threw it hard accross the room ; it landed against the wall in a noise that made Tony winced. But he just turned around, exhausted, broken, and left the workshop, doing all he could to avoid thinking about the phone and the angry blue eyes that destroyed him.


	2. Chapter 2

ii. _nemesism_

 

Steve sighed in the obscurity of his room, his eyes travelling accross the dark lines of his new drawing. He stared at the rough drawing, a sketch really , barely a draft, but Steve had to, he had to, because he didn't want to forget, didn't want to forget any of it. It had been a few weeks since Siberia, since he went _maniac_ and _almost killed Tony_ , and he hates himself for this, he hates how he didn't think but he saw the metal arm flying and he just lose it. Every ounce of self-control he had was gone at that moment and he almost forgot that it was Tony, that it was his friend but was it all really ? Was Tony just a friend ? Not anymore, the man probably hated his guts, but before, god, before they had been good, _great_ with eachother ; he remembers long days and nights talking about anything and everything, he remembers staying in Tony's workshop, watching him being him , and shining, as he moved around, focused, passionate and he remembers long discussions over coffee flavored ice cream – just because it was 2 a.m and Tony wanted coffee and Steve wanted ice cream and they comprised and somehow it became their thing – and smiles and jokes and kitchens filled with laughter as Steve told a story of his time during the army ; and Steve didn't know he was falling until he was already at the bottom, too far gone, too deep.

He puts the sketchbook away and tugs at his hair, his fingers dirty, covered in grey coal from blurring lines here and there, and Steve hates himself, he hates himself for being this way, for not being able to stop thinking about Tony, for being so cruel towards him, for breaking something that was already bent but mostly he hates himself for hating himself and he hates himself even more.

He grabs the little phone sitting next to him, on a pillow, and he thinks of calling ; he knows the number by heart, has all the numbers memorized, he thinks about the letter he sent out, about the words he wrote, and he decides against it. He gets up from his bed, puts his sketchbook away in one of the drawerds of the bedside table, and walks out of the room. He's walking in silence, to where he's been staying every other night lately, when he can't sleep, when he can't stop the memories from flooding his mind, when he couldn't stop the tears from bliding him. He steps in the room, and there stands the cryo, with Bucky inside, and Steve's heart aches at the sight, and he sits next to it, the floor a cold contrast to his warm skin but he doesn't care.

 

“Hey pal, how you holding up ?”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

iii. _eccedetensiast_

 

“ _Mister Stark ! Where is Captain Rogers at the moment ?”_

 

“ _Do you know where the other Avengers are ?”_

 

“ _Stark ! Is it true that the Avengers aren't coming back ?”_

 

“ _Is the Accords the reason why you and Miss Potts broke up ?”_

 

Tony doesn't see it but he hears a snap and something breaking and he's hurried inside the car, and Natasha joins him a minute later. She places one hand carefully on his arm but he jerks away, doesn't want to be touched, doesn't want to be pitied, doesn't want any of this, he wants to forget about everything ; he wants to go back home and sleep for the rest of the day, for the rest of the week, forever. He wants to kill Ross for doing this, he wants nothing more than to go back inside that building and punch Ross's face. He can't even process all the informations that's been given to him, and he doesn't know what to do ; he's hurting, he thinks about Steve and the team and Clint and his family and Peter , _god Peter is just a kid_ , and he thinks how he fucked up and how everything is all fucked up and he's hurting.

The driver, - not Happy , Tony so wishes it was Happy but it's not Happy and that hurts a bit more – stops and, when exactly did they start moving ? Tony isn't sure, but they stop and they're in front of the Tower, and Tony doesn't want to get out, but it's needed, and there's paparazzis in front of the Tower, already running towards his car.

 

“Tony ?” He hears Natasha says, he hears it but the words don't reach him quite as they used to.

 

He fixes his sunglasses on his nose and runs his fingers through his hair, before opening the door. He flashes a few smiles as the lights go off around him and he doesn't understand why because it's the middle of the day really and it's a bright day in New York and why would they need flashing lights Tony doesn't know and he focuses on that small detail rather than how fake and awful his smile feels on his face.

He gets into the building, and Natasha is behind him, her heels clicking on the floor. He smiles as they passe by people, workers, and he steps in the elevator, Natasha pushing the button to his floor, before he can. They get there in no time, and he's met with loneliness, not even Rhodey is here today, and it hurts him, because he's alone, he's truly alone he thinks and that hurts him, but he goes to the kitchen and opens every single cabinet.

 

“The first one to your left.”

 

He does as Natasha advices, and indeed, there they are, glasses, loads of them and he takes two out and he goes to the fridge and gets them orange juice. He hopes she'll like it, he doesn't know, doesn't really sit with her and talk about what she likes, like he used to do with.. _no, don't go there_.

He passes her a glass and she stares with wariness and concern and he feels like a kid and he misses Jarvis and of course, Vision is cool but not quite the same. She accepts the glass and takes a sip, as he pours himself one.

 

“Are you okay ?”

 

Her question lingers in the air for a while, and he ponders the answer, he wants to lie, but he knows she'll know before the words are even out of his mouth, because she's a spy are the best at lying games and he likes to think she's his friend, she must be, right ? She must be if she's here, and not .. _wherever_.

 

“I have been better.” and it's not alie, not technically, and she leans a bit more on the counter, and reaches for his hand, the one who's not holding the glass, and she squeezes, gently.

 

“We'll find a way around this, alright ? We will, we'll be together soon.”

 

Her voice is soft and he wants to believe her, but the fact that he's not sure, doesn't know if that'll happen, but he holds onto her hope, he knows she tried to find Banner for a few weeks before coming back empty handed. And he hurts for her, really, he hurts for her because she knws how she feels, not knowing where your loved one is, not knowing how to reach him but she's stronger than him, that he's sure about. So he smiles, leaning into her hope, letting it reach him through her simple touch. He sips his orange juice and he didn't even know he had such nice things in his fridge really.

 

“Good afternoon to you, my friends.”

 

Vision's voice is a not startling but still, it makes Tony jump and his juice almost spills on Natasha's hand. She doesn't mind, she just turns to Vision who passes through the wall _again_ , and smiles at him.

 

“Hi Vision, how are you today ?”

 

And just like that, they start talking ; Tony finds it odd really, how easy it is for them to forget that they're still at war, that they're still not safe in the world, and that with what is coming next , none of them will be safe for a long time. But he doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to feel it, so he puts on a smile and listens as Vision tells him what he saw today.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

iv. _dor_

 

Steve feels lighter, after telling Wanda everything. For weeks, he had this burden, but having it off his shoulders, off his chest, off his heart, made him feel a bit better about himself. But still, Steve is sad, no worse, he feels depressed, everyday and night watching this phone, waiting for it to go off, waiting for anything. Many times he had thought, why doesn't he call _himself_  ? why doesn't he send a text ? He desperately needed a way of knowing how Tony was, felt, dealt with everything that happened and everything else, but more importantly, how was he. Really, _for real_. Steve knows how the man could be, closed off, not letting anyone know how he truly felt, burying himself in his work, and smiling to hide the inner pain. It wasn't healthy, and Steve had long told him that maybe he should quit the act and let some people in. Tony had scoffed, laughed at him.

 

“ _I'm not sure if I can do that, Cap'._ ” He had said.

 

“ _How come ?_ ”

 

“ _Don't think I'm strong enough to let people see that I am not, not really.._ ”

 

“ _Maybe that's the thing, Maybe you're strong enough, but you don't want people to know that, and there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable, Tony, doesn't make you less strong._ ”

 

Steve smiles as he remembered that night, they had just finished two boxes of icecream, coffee flavored , and they were on the roof of the facility, it had been a nice night, late summer, but not too chilly. He liked that night, he wishes he could have it back, he wishes he could have it all back, even the bad things, just so he'd appreciate the good things more. And he wants to scream as he stares out at the wakandan jungle laid out in front of him ; he wants to scream his frustration, his anger, he wants to scream until he's tearing at his skin until he can't feel the longing, the need, the yearning for late night conversations, and smiles, and brown eyes, and strong cologne scent.

He doesn't though, instead, he just leans his head against the glass window and lets the tears fall. There's nothing more to do ; just waiting, longing, needing, withought any chance at grabbing what he really wants, waits , longs for, needs. And that thought breaks him, the thought that he's here alone, not really but kind of, and that it's his choice, it hurts him. He walked away, he gave up the shield, he gave it all up and walked away. And he doesn't think there's a day, a minute even a moment where he'll forget the look on Tony's face ; utterly broken, disappointment, exhaustion, pain. And it's all too vivid in his memory, and he knows he'll never forget, and he so wishes he could because all those things, it's nothing Tony should ever be. He should never be broken, nor disappointed, nor exhausted, or hurt, and it's all Steve's doing and it's all because of him and he can't change that.

 

He goes back to his bed and flops down, facing the ceiling. Not looking, he reaches for his sketchbook, full of Tony and his hands as he worked on something and his eyes as they stare at the New York skyline and Tony's freckles on his nose, his arms, and just _Tony, Tony, Tony_.

His fingers brush at the line of each drawing and he can almost remember every time he drew Tony, it's all so clear in his mind and it's tearing himself apart, because memories is all he has now. Memories of long chilly nights, of silly banters in the dim-lit of the workshop, of smiles over coffee, of eyes searching eachother at gatherings and dinner parties with the team. And he wonders, he wonders if one day, he'll forget, forget about Tony's eyes, Tony's hands, Tony's smile, his freckles, the calouses on his hands, his dirty jokes at three in the morning, his bad habits of losing himself in his work, his addiction to coffee. Will he ever forget any of Tony's words spoken in the confidence of his trust ? Will he ever forget what Tony looks like when he's sleeping after 36 hours spent in the workshop, with his hair all ruffled and his eyes so tired but soft and his light snores ? Will he ever forget how Tony sleeps with a pillow under his arm, just because he thinks it's softer that way ?

But he knows he won't. He won't and he couldn't, because every moment is stuck to his memory, printed in red and gold and it's nothing he would ever want to erase.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

v. _saudade_

 

“You sure you don't want anything else ? I could get you..”

 

“Yeh, I am sure.”

 

“No pain ? Do you want another pillow ?”

 

“I am _fine_ , Tony.”

 

Tony pinches his lips as he helps Rhodey settling on his bed. He's staying in the Tower's medical floor and it's not far from Tony's but Tony is going to stay with him, because he feels responsible , and he _is_ , in a way, and it's his fault. But he doesn't want to admit it, because knowing something and admitting something are two different concept, and he isn't sure he's ready to make that step yet.

 

“I know, I just.. I just want to make sure everything is okay with you.”

 

“I am fine” Rhodey answers, shrugging his shoulders, and Tony loves his bestfriend for being so strong, not hating him even after all he's done. “Real question is how are you.”

 

Oh. _Oh_. There it is. The concern in the oh famous question, and he's used to it by now. He's used to being asked this, by Natasha, Rhodey, Pepper, Happy, hell even Clint asked how he was doing after Tony got a call from Laura asking him to stop by – Clint had been rescued apparently, and had came back to his family, to his home. And Tony had envied him, had wished that he had something, someone to go back to when he left Siberia. But the only person he would have wanted to see had crushed his heart only a few hours prior, so here's your hope.

 

“I am fine.” Tony says, and it's not a lie, not technically.

 

“Huhu. Wanna tell me why you're so fidgetting then.”

 

Tony looks down at his hands on his lap, and tries to ignore the weight in his front pocket, wants to ignore the little black phone there, the little phone he had picked up, crumbled on the phone of his workshop. It still worked – count on Steve to give him some prehistorical solid technology to communicate – but Tony had been too afraid, too concerned to just leave it around.

 

“Look, I know Siberia was bad, but .. god Tony.. This, what is happening at this exact moment, Ross is turning it around, Tony, The Accords, the media, everything ! And soon none of us is going to be safe ; have you thought about it ? If Ross passes the bill, and you know he will because the public is not really fond of the Avengers at the moment ; and when the bill passes, there's going to be deaths Tony, and you have to fix this ! All of us, we have to stick together and fix this !”

 

Tony doesn't look up as he hears Rhodey, listens to him and he wishes Steves was here because he would know what to do, he would, because he's Steve, and he's Captain America, and he's the leader, and Tony would follow to the end of his life, to his death, blindly if asked.

 

“Tony for fuck's sake, are you listening to me ?!”

 

Tony silently nods, but he can't get himself to look up, because then Rhodey would see the tears at the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall. He's on the edge of breaking down, and he can't bring himself to that point, he has to remain strong, but he needs him. He needs, craves, longs for Steve and their time together, for their stupid conversations about random topics, for their shared stories as they shared coffee ice-cream. And a tear falls as he remembers that night, as he remembers when Steve whined like a child in a grocery store “ _But I want ice cream_ ” ; and that was it, that was when Tony lost it and thought _beautiful_.

 

“Tony, fuck , are you alright ?”

 

Tony can't stand it anymore. He gets up and hurries out of the door, walks towards the nearest empty storage room and slides his back against the door after closing it, locking it. He's alone, and it all hits him at once, and he doesn't know how because he doesn't understand much these days, and the phone is next to his ear, and he's listening to the ringtone. And it's quick, only takes one, before there's a click and a “ Tony ?” and Tony is gone then. His breath is stuck in his throat and his voice hasn't changed much but there's a certain edge to it, and Tony isn't sure why but it makes him wonder and he wants to ask but he can't talk. His mouth doesn't function, neither does his brain really and his vision is blurry with the tears.

 

“Tony..”

 

And he shouldn't. Steve shouldn't be able to make this right just by saying his name, he shouldn't be able to make this right at all. Tony should be angry, and he is but not really, not entirely, there's still a part of him that wants Steve to come back, to come home, but he knows they can't do that and that hurts Tony because it's his fault.

 

“Hey, it'll be alright.. Everything's going to be fine. Whatever it is, it's all going to work out fine.”

 

And he shouldn't know, he shouldn't be able to know that something is wrong and that Tony is doubting himself, and second-guessing everything. And he's trying so hard to breathe properly and it's kind of working but it's taking too long, and Tony doesn't like when things aren't easy, and he's used to easy, and it's so easy with Steve usually, so why does it feel so complicated ? _Why, why, why,_ and Tony can't breathe and he hungs up, shuts the flip phone and sobs into his hand, missing the man who left him, taking everything with him as he did.

 


	6. Chapter 6

vi. _reunion_

 

Steve didn't know how it happened ; one minute he was in his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to calm himself over Tony's weird, phone call, only hours before, and one minute he was on his feet, startled by a loud noise. His first reflex had been to grab his shield, but he didn't have it, and he felt naked without it, and he cursed himself, and grabbed the nearest t-shirt he had. He didn't bother putting on shoes. He grabbed one of the gun he had in one of the drawers of the bedside table and left his room. He saw Sam, Scott and T'Challa, all alert. They were all stuck to the wall, and Steve understood immediately : they were under attack. He himself leaned his body into the wall, hoping the darkness would conceal him to their opponent. He heard footsteps, many footsteps, _a_ _recognition squad_ he thought ; he turned towards his own partners and they all nodded at once. Steve briefly wondered about Wanda, was she still asleep ? Was she hurt ? Had they gotten to her already ? Was she with Bucky ? Damn, _Bucky_  !

Steve didn't waste a second ; as soon as he saw one of the shooters, he grabbed his arm, twisting it, his weapon falling, and Steve pushed it away as he punched his enemy's face and that's what went down for a good amount of time. Wanda ended up joining them and her help was definetely welcome. Scott had gone out to the jungle and stopped Ross's men ; _of course_ it had to be stupid Senator Ross, who else ?

Steve and Wanda ended up protecting Bucky, as soon as he heard Ross's words he wanted to kill the man, and he will, Steve almost promised himself this, given the chance, he would take it and kill Ross himself. He throws punches and fires his gun occasionally but there are too many men coming their way and Wanda tries her hardest to keep them out with energetic barries but there are _too fucking many_ and Steve wishes, prays for a miracle. And suddenly he hears a scream, and he turns around, flipping his opponents down, and he sees Wanda, her hands on the cryo and he sees her barrier fading and he yells her name but she doesn't stop and there's smoke and he can't see anything and he thinks _bombs_ and the ground underneath his feet is shaking and then a red flash and then, _then._

Bucky steps out, a fierce look but Steve is taken aback as he's hit on the back of his head and he's shocked, and he takes a blow to his face and his jaw hurts and he feels blood in his mouth and that sets him going, flying at his opponents and he punches, punches until the man is pinned on the ground, not moving underneath Steve's weight. A flash of red and gold stops him and he turns, looks and sees.

Tony. Well, Iron Man actually, all weapons deployed, hand repulsors aimed at Ross's soldiers and Steve thinks _strong_ and he wants nothing more than to cross that space between them and wrap Tony in his arms and tell him that he's sorry, sorry for everything, for every awful he's said and done, for all the time they spent apart. But his whole body is numb and he can't move, and he's still on top of the unconscious man, and he doesn't feel the blood slipping out of the cut on his bottom lip, because all he can focus on is Tony, Tony, Tony.

 

When they arrive to T'Challa personal mansion, they all go their separate ways, and Steve stares accross the room as Tony and T'Challa go off, talking about what happened. He shakes the thought off his head, and goes to clean himself up. The shower is more than welcome and he spends a good time staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, his cut lip kind of hurts and his knuckles are red from punching so many, too many people and he feels a pain in his chest and he's not sure it's anything physical, but he brushes it off. When he goes back to the bedroom he was given, he finds Bucky sitting on the bed, head hung low ; and it's hard, seeing his bestfriend so broken and hurt and in pain, Steve knows he is, he knows what Bucky feels with just one look, but it also feels so good because Bucky is here and he's here and Steve feels a bit more complete with his brother by his side.

 

“Hey.. How are you holding up ?” Steve asks and he wants to know, he so wants to know but he's scared of what the answer might be, and it's scaring him but he needs to face it, because if he backs down from this, then he's not sure he can face anything else.

 

“Doing alright” Bucky answers, and his voice is rough, and dry, he's cleaned up nice.

 

He looks up at Steve and there's a flash of something in his eyes, and Steve is not sure what it is, not sure he wants to know.

 

“How long was I out ?”

 

“A couple of months.”

 

“I heard you.. back when I was in the ice. I heard you speaking.. I heard her as well.”

 

And Steve hears something soft, sweet, as Bucky says _her_ , and he smiles and goes to sit next to his bestfriend, and he makes sure not to touch the shoulder where the bandage lays as he knows that it still hurts him sometimes so, he doesn't make a move to bump their shoulder.

 

“She used to listen to me talk to you” Steve explains. “ She's a good kid, helped a lot during the battle and before.. She's great”

 

Bucky nods but his eyes are still where Steve used to stand and for a moment, Steve wonders what is going through his mind, and he hears Bucky whispers _Wanda_ , more to himself than anything , and Steve is about to ask when there's a knock at the door.

 

“We need to talk.” and it's T'Challa and he has his king-like voice and Steve knows how he can get if you disobey the monarch and Bucky knows what it's like to get on T'Challa's bad side, so the two of them stand up and exit the room.

Tony is the first he sees, he's talking to Scott, and he has this easy, out-going manner that he usually has whenever he's talking about sciene – Steve has watched him ramble about science too many times not to know. And Tony looks up as they enter the room, but it's barely a second, not even a second really, and Steve feels like he did when they first met, out of breath, annoyed, awkward and taken aback.

And it kind of feels like the first time they met, and it kind of is, because Tony explains the situation – Stupid , _fucking stupid_ Senator Ross – and Tony is avoiding his gaze and he's standing tall while Steve is sitting on the end of a large angle couch, and everyone is silent as they each take in the mess they're in.

 

“So what do we do now ?” Steve asks, and this time Tony turns to him, and looks at him, really looks at him, and Steve remembers his broken sobs on the phone only hours ago but it seems so far away, and he wants to repeat the words he said to Tony as he cried, wants to tell him that he doesn't have to be alone. Tony doesn't let him though, he just sighs, shakes his head and turns away from him, breaking Steve a bit more in the process.

 

“Well, we can't go back to New York, that's certain. But we can't stay here either” Tony says, and Steve tries to not stare at his reflection in the glass window.

 

 _Tries_ being the important word, because he can't really, not really, it's as if his whole body is screaming to be near Tony, to come in contact with Tony's, and if he doesn't , Steve feels like he's going to collapse and crumble under the weight of his aching heart. He doesn't know how he ends up alone with Tony in the living room, in this big spacious living room and there's too much space, and Steve is too far, and he wants to reach out, he wants to , so so badly. But he's blinking one second and Tony's gone.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

vii . _ignite_

 

Tony stares at Steve from accross the window, and he's so lost, so so lost and he doesn't know what to do and it doesn't like it, he's a genius, a futurist, always one step ahead of everything, everyone, but again, when it comes to Steve, to beautiful, strong, perfect Steve, Tony never knows, is never sure and he's off. He's off, he's leaving this living room, because if he doesn't, if he stays, he's going to explode and that wouldn't be very pretty, oh no.

 

“Tony, wait !”

 

He doesn't wait, he doesn't wait to see Steve's face, his oh so beautiful, perfect face, so he keeps walking ; but a hand on his wrist stops him. The grip is strong, but light enough that he could get away if he wanted to. He doesn't.

 

“Tony please.”

 

And Steve's voice is closer, and Tony feels Steve's fingertips crawling in the palms of his hands, a careful, gentle, protective, reassuring touch, and Tony wants more than to lean into it, indulge in that touch. He craves it, he craves the warmth, but he can't quite show it, because so many things are unresolved, and they need to be resolved, for their sake, and Tony's mental health.

It takes all of his strength to take his hand away from Steve, and he turns around, facing Steve, and he's trying to put on a front, a strong, unbreakable façade, one that Steve won't see through.

 

“What do you want, Rogers ? You have thirty seconds before I walk out of here for good.”

 

“Tony, I..” To Tony, Steve has never looked so broken, so hesitant, and Tony really tries to push thoses thoughts away, because he can't let his front fall and appear weak. “ I just want to know if you're alright.”

 

“ _Alright_ ” Tony scoffed, and he doesn't mean it to be so mean and bitchy, but it's too late, and he can't be helped, not at this point.” Sure, I'm _alright_ , more than alright, I'm _freaking_ fine ! Thanks for the concern, Cap ! I'll go eat my veggies now !”

 

Steve sighed, and he licked his lips, only to wince when he touched the open cut ; and _damn him to look so good with a cut lip_ Tony thought. He brushes the thought away though and focuses on _angry_ , angry at Steve, angry at Bucky, at Ross.

 

“I never wanted any of this to turn the way it did, Tony” Steve said, in a whisper, meeting Tony's eyes. “ I only wanted for the team to be united, to be as close as we could, to stay together. And I know that..” his voice breaks and he looks down “I have done bad things and I am sorry and I loathe myself for hiding things to you, but .. Bucky is my friend, my bestfriend , and nothing could ever change that.”

 

Hearing those words, Tony wants to scream, tear out his skin and yelled in frustration and wrath and his blood is boiling and he feels hot and the heat inside of him is unbearable and he's trying so hard to contain himself, not to explode, but he's way past containment now.

 

“And what about me ? What about everything we shared ? What about everything we told eachother, fears, dreams, memories ? What about everything we created ? Was I not your friend as well ? Was all of this just a, what, hobby ? Something to pass the time until you get _dear Bucky_ back ?”

 

And he's fierce, he's fierce, he's the lion roaring in the jungle, he's the same Tony Stark that left the cave years ago, hurt, wounded, but determined and fierce.

 

“Of course, it meant something... Tony, You're..” Steve stops himself from saying his next words and Tony stops himself from asking what they are. “ I was just trying to look out for you.”

 

“Look out for me ?!” Tony can't believe it, can't believe his ears are hearing, and he can't believe how his body is so still, how he still looks so calm when really he's boiling with anger inside. “'How is hiding the truth about my parents' death looking out for me ? How is smashing your shield in my chest looking out for me ? How is breaking everything we had looking out for me ? We were friends Steve ; Friends don't hide things from eachother.”

 

For a brief moment, Steve doesn't say anything, he just stares at Tony, and his eyes are soft, sad, and Tony wants nothing than wrap his arms around Steve's broad chest and tell him that he's sorry, that he doesn't mean anything, that he wants Steve to come home. But he can't do that, can he ? It's too simple, and things were never simple, never easy between the two of them. It's either apart or together for them.

 

“We were never friends.”

 

Oh, that stings. That fucking hurts, and Tony feels his heart sink in his chest, and something tingles in the back of his eyes, and no, he can't cry, not here, not in front of Steve.

 

“Wow..”

 

Steve looks at him, furrows his brows and suddenly understands.

 

“No, no, that's not what I meant, I..”

 

His blue eyes travel between Tony's eyes and his mouth, and Tony doesn't know if he's hallucinating, but suddenly Steve is backing away from him, and shaking his head.

 

“Forget it, not important anyway.”

 

But Tony doesn't let him, doesn't let him walk away from him, because he's not one to wait around, and he wants to know, desperately wants to know. He wants to know why Steve does all the things he does, why he's the way he is, why he sent that letter and that flip phone, why he's still here arguing with him when he could have just walked away.

 

“Wait, no, you're not getting away with this one, what is it-”

 

He never finishes that sentence, or that thought, because he's pinned to the wall in the dark corridor and Steve's lips are on him and oh, it's real. It's real, and he feels the heat again. The same heat he always feels when he's near Steve. But it's ten times better now, because it's Steve's lips on him, and they're pushy, and full of unspoken words but Tony catches all of them with his own, and he feels Steve pressing into him and he wants to reach out and touch every inch of skin that is offered and cherish,cherish, _cherish_. Because his blood feels like gasoline and Steve's skin is a spark and if being with Steve means that he has to set himself on fire, he will ; he'll let Steve ignite the fire inside of him and he'll happily accept the flames because they're all Steve, he's all Steve, everything is all Steve.

 

Steve breaks the kiss, much to Tony's dismay, he wants more and he reaches out with his lips and bites Steve's bottom lip, and Steve leaves a gasp.

 

“Oh, shit , sorry, I-”

 

“It's fine, just..it still hurts” Steve answers, licking his cut lip.

 

“Didn't seem to matter a minute ago.”

 

“Well, other things did.” and god, is he _freaking chuckling_  ? Tony thinks it should be illegal, and it should be illegal for Steve to chuckle, the sound should be illegal , if not then at least for the beat that Tony's heart skipped.

 

“We were never _just friends_ , is what I meant.” Steve's voice is just a whisper, and it's so close to Tony, and his voice is music to his ears really, and his face is art, and he doesn't know how he lived without a sight like Steve before.

 

“Okay..”

 

Tony nods, and it's all he can do, because his mind doesn't really work, and it's all blurry and fuzzy and he feels dizzy, like he's been drunk for hours and can only see what's in front of him.

_Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve._

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

  1. _eunoia_




 

He didn't know what came over him, but he just had to, he had to take that risk, had to seize that chance, and kiss Tony. He didn't care much if Tony would be angry at him – if it was possible to be more angry anyway – ; he had to have a taste of Tony before his body consumed himself, and it was so much, so much more than what he had expected. He had spent many nights and days thinking about how he would kiss Tony for the first time, but no daydream scenario had been quite the match, and none would ever compare to the real one. It had been forceful, and angry at first, Steve mainly wanted him to just keep quiet for a moment, but then Tony had relaxed into him and added pressure of his own and Steve melted, his mind went into oblivion and he had felt like a flower as the first ray of spring touched its new-born petals. He felt open, warm, beautiful, safe and secure. He hadn't wanted it to end but he needed to breathe, needed to keep his heart from beating out of his chest.

It's morning now, and he can still feel of it, the tension, the heat, the fire between both of them, the unspoken words and promises. He wants to go and find Tony and kiss him again, just as hard as last night, and kiss every corner of his skin like it's the promise land of the Lord above and every kiss is his salvation.

 

“Why you smiling so much ?”

 

He raises his head, to meet Sam's confused face. They're in the kitchen, and they manage to get some breakfast done, it's only Sam, Natasha, Scott and himself there. He did see Wanda living the living room early this morning, and he did find Bucky there, but he didn't question it.

 

“Hey Captain, earth to the stars !”

 

Sam is now shaking his hand in front of Steve and Steve scoffs, and shakes his head, hiding his smile in his bowl of cereal.

 

“Leave him be, Sam.” Natasha says, with a small laugh.

 

Steve looks at her, and sends her a small smile and she nods at him, returning his smile. He's missed her, he's sure about that, he doesn't blame her though, how could he after all ? She let them go, when she was supposed to be on Tony's side. She's always been a complicated one, but he knows that she's only a strong woman, a stronger fighter because that duality in her character and Steve secretely hopes that one day he can be as accepting as her when it comes to his own duality.

 

“No, but if you forgot, we're fugitives, all of us this time” Scott speaks up, and he's holding his cup of coffee in his hands in tight grip. “ There's nothing to really smile about it.”

 

Steve sees the fear in his friend's eyes, fear of losing his child, of not seeing them grow up, or not be able to go home, and he wishes there was something he could do, because it's not a fear that anyone should experience. He wants to reassure Scott and tell him that everything is going to be alright, but he doesn't know that, he's powerless and it drives him crazy, but he doesn't let it show, because if he freaks out, if he lets himself slip, let himself go, he's not sure he's coming back to how he was.

 

He sighs and decides to go and rest for a bit ; it's crazy, he hasn't slept properly in days, weeks even, but his body doesn't mind, but his mind is so tired, tired of all this crazy mess they're tangled in. He's on his way to his room, thinking of maybe having a calm shower, when he bumps into Bucky.

 

“Oh, hi, I was just looking for you.” Bucky says.

 

Steve nods and they get into Bucky's room. The bed is untouched, there's no wrinkle on the sheets and Steve remembers Bucky in the living room after he saw Wanda leaving the same room, and he wonders about the two of them.

Bucky has a confused look printed on his face, Steve has seen that look many times ; he first saw it when he first saved so small, so little Steve from getting beaten up by tall big guys from their school, and when Steve had said that he didn't like bullies, Bucky had made that face. Confused, with his brows furrowed, taking his lip between his teeth and his nose wrinkling a bit.

 

“What's wrong ?”

 

“Stark proposed to make me a new arm.”

 

The words are out, and Steve wonders if he's dreaming, if he actually managed to get some sleep and if this is all a dream that his crazy mind made up to torture him a bit more. He reaches to pinch his hand, and oh, oh no, he's not dreaming, and he's not sure if it's better.

 

“What... How.. What did he say exactly ?”

 

“I don't really know.. Said something about he had run several tests on the arm after he, you know, and he found it really interesting , technically-wise, and he wants me to come down to California to run tests as well and see if he can upgrade or make a new one and he talked about Rhodey, I think..”

 

Steve nods, the words barely making sense to him. Tony. Tony, beautiful Tony, wants to help Bucky, Steve's bestfriend, and the one who killed Tony's parents. Steve doesn't know if it's some sort of scheme ; god, he hopes not, he hopes that.. no. He refuses to think that Tony could let himself being eaten by revenge. The man is too pure, too beautiful, too strong, has been through too much to know that revenge doesn't lead anywhere.

 

“Guys ?”

 

Clint's voice startles Steve and he _fucking_ jumps, and Clint gives him a look, but doesn't ask, and Steve silently thanks him for not mentionning it.

 

“Talk time in the living room with Mister King Panther” Clint says, and Steve missed him, he missed Clint, missed banters and laughs and taps in the backs and arm-wrestling competitions and bets over stupid things and sarcastic cheeky phrases too early in the morning. He's missed the man so much and Steve is only realizing this now, and he can't help but feel like it's too late to be missing someone somehow.

 

They follow Clint to the living room, and Steve sits next to Natasha, and she's between Clint, who's next to Wanda. Sam is leaning against the wall, and T'Challa and Scott chose chairs. Wanda is sitting on the far end of the couch, and Steve doesn't miss the fact that Bucky's eyes are fixated on her, and that she seems to be doing all she can to avoid his gaze.

Tony bargs in the room, and he's talking on his phone very quickly and Steve doesn't understand what he's saying, only pieces of sentence , and he starts to think that something is wrong with his senses.

 

“So, what did I miss ?” Tony says to them, once his phone is tugged away in his pocket.

 

Steve looks at him, and Tony's eyes immediately find his and Steve wished they were alone, he has so many things he wants to say, so many things he still have left to say, but he can't, not right now, not with everyone around them. And it's upsetting, a little, not much, but enough to make his skin itch thinking of Tony's hands in his hair.

He hears T'Challa speaks and Steve recognizes the kind, the true leader that he is, and Steve thinks about his teammate's late father, and wished the former kind could be here to witness how great his son is. Natasha talks about going to find Bruce again, to warn him, and he sees a feeling he knows too well in her eyes, _longing_. Clint and Scott are both going home, and Steve tries not to worry too much about them, they're old enough to care about themselves, he tells himself, but he can't help the nerves settling inside of him. He talks about going to California, and he sees Tony smirk and he thinks about how great Tony is, how he's changing, seems to be moving on from guilt and his thirst for revenge.

And oh. Oh. He realizes it then. He loves the man, loves him so much. He loves Tony, and he's falling with each passing second, and he loves the fall, he loves the thrill, and he hopes Tony is there at the bottom waiting for him. He's so in love, and god, how could he not know before ? All those moments spent with him, all those moments he spent watching Tony laugh and smile and open himself and just being Tony, all the hurt, all the pain that settled between them, everything they did to one another.. . But he's so in love, so so in love and he's so far gone, so far deep in this love, he doesn't want to crawl back up.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

_ix. metanoia_

 

Tony is in the little room T'Challa let him use to patch his armor when Steve comes to find him. He is honestly surprised the soldier hadn't come sooner, but Tony is thankful because after their kiss – well, _kisses_ really – Tony had needed some time to think, to calm his racing mind, but his brain wasn't okay with it and he had spent hours in his bed, thinking about Steve and his lips on Tony's and Barnes just a few rooms away from him and everyone else involved in this mess and stupid senator Ross and the wakandans and Steve and Tony knew then. He just knew what he had to do. So, first thing he had done that morning was find Barnes and ask him all he knew about the arm ; the former assassin had looked more than confused if Tony said so, and in a brief second, Tony could see the charm, the charisma, the good looks that made everyone look twice at him. And then, he told Barnes that he could built him a new arm, or upgrade the old one – Tony had kept it, had looked at it closely, as research purpose, for Rhodey - ; it was his call, Tony had said and he had meant it. Barnes said he would do anything, owed him as much, and Tony tried to not think too much into it. He knew that Barnes told Steve, saw it in Steve's eyes when he entered the room, felt it when that fire within him stirred as he laid eyes on Steve.

So, it's not really a surprise when Steve comes to find him, but he's still surprised, because it took him _one hour, twenty minutes and forty seconds_ , but hey, who's counting. Not Tony.

 

“Hey.” Steve speaks up ; he's closing the door behind him. He looks like a little lost puppy, standing there fidgetting, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, playing with his hands, and Tony wants to know why does he look so worked up.

 

“What's wrong ? He asks, and he beckons Steve to come near him, and he's not sure if he's ever seen Steve move so fast and quickly ; because he's seen Steve in a battlefield and he's always so efficient, so quick, a breeze passing, but right now, it's even more, the words are barely reaching to him that he's already next to Tony but Tony welcomes him with a smile. He drops his screwdriver, and dries his hands on a cloth, who's already pretty dirty, but anyway.

 

“Bucky told me that.. you proposed to make him a new arm.. Is it true ?”

 

“Well, technically, I said that I was going to give him a new arm if he was willing to give me all the informations he had on this technology.” Tony explains, and Steve nods. “ I looked up closely at the old one, it's a really good piece of work, I'll give HYDRA that, so if he wants to keep that one, sure, I can upgrade it if he wants to.”

 

He speaks really fast, always fast when he's feeling like he needs to be in control, and Steve is staring at him, with his big baby blue eyes and Tony doesn't like to be stared at, he's used to it, but he doesn't like it when it's so up close, so intimate, but Steve's eyes are not glaring, they're just staring with something Tony would qualify as admiration. He can see all the questions that Steve is asking myself, see all the interrogation marks in his mind.

 

“Why ? Why are you doing this ?” Steve questions after a moment, and Tony expects it to be on a defensive tone, but no. It's calm, soothing, as if Steve is just _wondering_ because he truly wants to know.

 

“I .. I am trying to .. go past the revenge thing. I want to go past it, I spent almost four months alone, dealing with all this political bullshit and I had to do this alone and the only thing it brought me was pain ; I missed the team, I missed you all so much. And I know, I know, we're not going to live all together in the facility or the tower anymore, or even for a big moment, but at least, I know where you guys are, and we can contact one another if something happens to one of us. And just to know that we're all where we can keep eachother safe, that's good for me. And,” he takes a moment to breathe, Steve takes his hands in his and give them a gentle squeeze. “ I know that Barnes is your bestfriend, and you'll fight to the end of the world for him, so I figure I'll help you with that. And also, it's kind of scary seeing him roaming around with only one arm to be honest.”

 

Steve chuckles and Tony smiles, thankful that Steve doesn't find it odd, and he's thankful, so thankful for Steve in general. Steve brings Tony's hands to his lips and kisses them gently, and Tony's breath gets caught in his throat and his heart does a loop in his chest. He needs to get his heart checked, he thinks, it could be a serious medical condition.

 

“I am so sorry.” Steve whispers against his skin.

 

“What for ?” Tony wonders out loud.

 

“I never wanted you to do this on your own. I really wanted us to stick together but..”

 

“ Hey, it's fine.” Tony cuts him. “ Not totally, but we're together, we know where everyone is going to be, so it's all going to be alright. You said so yourself.”

 

Steve smiles at him, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes and Tony wonders why, why is it stopping him from being completely happy ; Steve should always be happy, completely, endlessly, always, a hundred percent, _dancing on a cloud_ happy. It's all he should ever be.

 

 

Hours later, they're in the North of California and they're seeing the flats that Tony rented for Wanda and the boys ; Tony is not going to stay with them, he still has things to overlook and take care of – fucking stupid Ross, mostly. He wishes he could stay really, but he can't. He doesn't really know what makes him leave, he just has this urge to do it ; so he bids everyone goodbye, tells Barnes he'll call him to fix medical appointments, kisses Steve on the cheek and flies off in the suit. He reaches New York when the sun is setting and he's flying over the city, looking for his favourite young boy.

He finally spots him on the rooftop of a building in Brooklyn.

 

“Hey, Peter”

 

Peter has his Spiderman costume on, but his mask is off and he looks up at Tony with big brown eyes that have seen too much, Tony has seen that look too many times before, when he looked at himself in the mirror. He walks closer to Peter and he can see fading bruises and new ones on his face, and that gets Tony worried, a bit more than he already was.

 

“What's wrong, kid ?”

 

“Nothing, just some stuff.”

 

“Tell me.”

 

Tony lifts the face plate, and goes to sit on the edge of the roof, next to Peter ; he desperately tries to not look down, because wow this is high and he's not afraid of heights and he is flying all the suit anyway but wow this is high.

 

“How do you not hurt people you love ?” Peter asks, and his voice is breaking at the end, and he immediately lifts his hands, cleaning away tears and Tony aches for the boy.

 

“I don't think.. you ever don't not hurt them actually.” Tony says, truthfully.

 

“But why ? Why do we always have to let them down ?”

 

“What happened, Pete ?”

 

“I was dealing with some bad stuff, typical robbery stuff in the city the other day and I got pretty beaten up and Aunt May saw it and I had to lie and she knows when I am lying and she got super angry at me for lying and I really hate lying to her, I do, but I just.. I just can't, I can't risk her life knowing about me being Spiderman, but.. I just hate that I let her down this much..”

 

And Peter is crying and Tony really hurts for the boy, and he puts his hand on the kid's shoulder, and he hopes his compassion is felt through the metal. He doesn't know much about comforting people, and he's never been comforted in his life, not really, not by people who did care ; people always thought he was too strong to eventually be hurt enough to need comfort. He thinks about Steve, and of what he would do in this situation, and that helps him a bit more.

 

“Hey, it'll be alright ; maybe it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will be. It always gets better, you know. One way or another. And maybe, just maybe, you should consider telling your aunt about all of this..”

 

“What ?” Peter stops sobbing and looks up. “ No, no no ! She'll freak out and what if other people t find out then ?! They'll hurt her and she's all I have left, I can't have her getting hurt too !”

 

“Hey, hey, relax kid. Just breathe for a moment, alright ?”

 

Peter nods through his sobs, and tries to breathe as told. Tony watches him gain his normal breathing back, and he sees a bit of himself in him. Young, clever, been through too much for his age, determined, and a bit broken.

 

“Look, sometimes you love people. And sometimes you hurt them, and sometimes they hurt you. But you know what ? Most of the time, it doesn't make them love you less, and vice versa. If anything, it makes them love you more and you love them more for loving you more and holding onto you through all the crap. That's love for you ; it doesn't die, it becomes stronger or weaker, but it never dies. You just have to find the people worth being hurt over for, and sticking with them, and you should find people who are willing to stick with you as well. You're a good kid, you could never let anyone down. And surely not your aunt.”

 

Peter nods at at him, slowly, seeming to process Tony's words and they sit in silence for a moment, Tony's hand still on Peter's shoulder. There's only the sound of car engines and chatters from far below them. Tony doesn't mind it, he's never really been one to live at the center of the city because he likes the quiet, the peacefulness when he's working, but he doesn't mind it rigt now, because that means he's still here, still alive, still present and he's learned to cherish that. So he closes his eyes for a while, and just enjoys.

 

“Have you ever let someone you loved down ?”

 

Peter's voice is barely audible and if they weren't sitting side by side, Tony wouldn't have heard it for sure. He turns to the young boy beside him, and he finds brown eyes staring right back at him, with so much admiration and life expectations that Tony doesn't even wonder why he's so protective of him.

 

“Only everyday.”

 

And Peter doesn't say anything after this, just stares at Tony and his eyes turn sad as the night falls and they sat on that rooftop for hours into the dark, just there for eachother.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

_x.cafuné_

 

Steve is sitting by the kitchen counter, his phone – not the flip phone, a smartphone – in his hands. He has Sharon's number dialed and he's trying to gather up his courage to press the call button. He knows he has to do it, it wouldn't be fair to either of them, he has to be honest with her. He sighs, pressing the button, and putting the phone close to his ear. It takes three ringtones and a half for her to pick up, and Steve almost wished she hadn't picked up.

 

“Sharon Carter, who is this ?”

 

“Hey. It's me.. Steve.”

 

He hears her gasp and shuffling on her side, and he's wondering where she is.

 

“Oh my god, Steve , are you okay ? Is everything alright ? Are you hurt ? I only knew about Ross' plan too late and I didn't know how to reach you and I-”

 

“Hey it's fine, we're all fine, Tony , Nat and Clint came to help us. We're fine, all of us, don't worry.”

 

“Thank God, you have no idea how hard it's been.”

 

“I imagine” but he doesn't, not really. She's not the one he's been thinking about for months, and he feels bad for her, so so bad.

 

“Where are you by the way ?”

 

“I'm not sure I can tell you right now, but we're safe. I don't want to compromise you in case thise line isn't safe.”

 

“Oh, alright.”

 

It's silent, and Steve wishes he would just end the call here, tell her that he just wanted to let her know he was okay, that he hopes she's okay too and then, bye. But no, he can't and he's reaching deep inside of him to find the courage to break her heart.

 

“Sharon, there's something I need to tell you.”

 

“I figured..”

 

“I.. I don't think that”- breathe Steve, just breathe - “I don't think that starting a relationship while being in the middle of this was the best decision I've made, and I'm not sure I can go on with this.”

 

The other line is quiet but he can hear breathing. She clears her throat and he's thankful that they're not face to face, he knows he couldn't have handled it if he had seen her face.

 

“Okay.. I knew it was coming. I mean, Iwas expecting it, kind of..”

 

“This is not your fault, Sharon. It's really not, I just.. I like you but..”

 

“Not like this.” She finishes for him, and she's dry-laughing. “ It's okay, Steve. Be careful and take of yourself, and the others. Can I keep this number though ?”

 

“Yes, of course, call me if you need anything.”

 

“Good then.”

 

“I'm really sorry, I..”

 

“Oh Steve,” she's laughing and why is it his heart that's breaking. “I'll be fine, don't worry, I'm a big girl. I'll call you if anything comes up with Ross okay ?”

 

“Okay, thanks Sharon.”

 

“Don't mention it.”

 

And she hangs up and Steve stays put , the phone still next to his ear, listening to the silence of the apartment. He puts the phone down after a while and he just sits there, trying to stay calm. He finally decides to go and break a bit of sweat, hoping that working out will distract him enough from what he's feeling.

 

 

He's getting out of the shower, and he's surprised to find Tony here, in his room, taping on his phone. He hasn't seen Tony in a week and in all honesty, he's missed Tony, missed his skin, missed his lips, missed talking to him, missed watching him. He knows it's because he's been busy with the Accords deal and the attack on Wakanda, but it didn't make him miss Tony left. You could only miss someone so much until it drives you crazy.

Tony looks up as Steve steps in his room, and he doesn't try to hide the fact that he's checking him out, and Steve suddenly feels subconcious ; he's not wearing a shirt and his hair are still wet, and the sweatpants that he just threw on are hanging really low on his hips.

 

“If I had known, I would have joined you.” Tony says, a smirk playing on his lips.

 

“Why didn't you then ?” And Steve doesn't mean for the words to come as flirty as they did, but oh well. That catches Tony's attention however and he's on his feets in a moment.

 

“Well, we could fix that.”

 

And his lips are on Steve and the sigh that leaves Steve's chest is heavy and he grabs Tony's hips and brings him even closer. He's already aching to feel his bare skin against his. He digs his fingers under Tony's shirt and he drags his shirt up, breaking their kiss just to take it off.

 

“Wow, someone's eager” Tony chuckles.

 

Steve doesn't answer, he just grabs Tony's hair and pulls and Tony gasps in surprise but doesn't seem to care when Steve attacks his mouth again, deepening the kiss. Steve leads Tony to the bed and lays him gently, contrasting to his roughness only a few minutes ago. He presses himself against Tony, applying pressure to their groins.

 

“Wow, okay, don't..” Tony stops himself when Steve does it again. “ _Oh_ actually do that again, that felt _oh lord_.”

 

Steve chuckles as he kisses Tony's neck, sucking and licking and biting Tony's neck, each making Tony's moan echoing the room. Steve trails a path on Tony's chest, leaving traces and hickeys here and there, and Tony is a panting, moaning mess under him and if Steve thought Tony's laugh was his favorite sound ever, then he was proven wrong right now.

His fingers brushes overs Tony's jeans and Tony archs his back in response. There's a very visible bulge in those jeans, begging to be release.

 

“May I ?” Steve asks, looking up.

 

“Please, _yes._ ”

 

Steve takes his time taking Tony's jeans and shoes off, and then back up again, until he's hovering over Tony again and staring into his eyes. He brings their lips together once before descending again. He kisses his way down, before taking Tony's head in his mouth and God forgive him for loving the man beneath him so much.

And for the next hours, the room is only moans and half breaths and sounds of mirth. After sucking Tony off, Steve looks up at him and goes to meet his eyes. Tony has tears at the edge of his eyes and if it wasn't for the bliss written all over his face , Steve would be worried. Steve watches him for a while, watches him regain his breath. _Beautiful_ , Steve thinks. He smiles while watching him, runs his hand through his lover's hair, carefully, tenderly. Tony finally meets his eyes and Steve just sighs in pure admiration.

 

“Can I make love to you ?” He asks.

 

And he doesn't know why he feels so shy all of the sudden, after he's just blown Tony, but this is so much more, so much more than just casual sex or a one time thing. Tony means so much to him, so much he doesn't begin to understand how much. He just wants to love Tony, all of him, all the time, with everything that he has.

 

Tony nods, looking at him, and Steve thinks he's blushing but he can't really tell. He kisses Tony's cheeks and he feels the heat, the warmth emanating from him and he wants to melt, to pour himself over Tony's body, just so they wouldn't be any space left between him.

 

They make love that night, multiple times, together, and it's different, and it's new , from anything the both of them ever experienced. It's panting breaths and skin against skin and bodies glistening with sweat and pure , raw love and it's Steve and Tony, together as one. And as the dawn is coming, as they stare into eachother's eyes, as they run their hands through eachother's hair, they know that they're stronger together, always together, and they could take on the world, as long as they're together. And Steve knows that he could he never stay apart from Tony because he's a force of nature and Steve is too weak to fight it, but maybe, he doesn't to fight this. Because, here, like this, with their body touching, and their heating in sync, he knows he's strong, stronger this way.

 

“I love you” Tony whispers.

 

Steve smiles, grins like a child at the words, and goes in for a kiss, meeting Tony's lips halfway, and it's everything, everything he needs, everything he wants, just this, and he hopes, prays for it to stay that way.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

xi. _love - bonus_

 

Tony comes back one day to the flat, and he finds Bucky and Wanda in the living room, both reading books. He doesn't miss the fact that they're on the same couch, that their feets are touching and they seem to be ridiculously close to each other. Tony drops the bag on his shoulder on the floor and heads towards them. Bucky raises his head and nods a him ; Wanda doesn't do anything and he doesn't expect her to. He nods back at Bucky and head towards Steve's room ; he's proud of himself, for trying not to kill Barnes the second he saw him. He had wanted to, his mother's screams as his metal fist tightened around her sill imprinted in his memory ; but he was on another mission then, protecting his teammates – _his friends_. And he was proud of himself for trying to accept the man in his life and move on from want of revenge ; a younger Tony would have killed Barnes in a nanosecond. But this Tony didn't, and for that, he was proud.

He found Steve in his room, sleeping. He find it strange – Steve usually didn't take naps, didn't feel the need to , thanks to super serum. Tony sits on the edge of the bed, and watches him for a moment, he looks so peaceful, so serene ; Tony could watch him sleep for days, having already done so many nights, just watching Steve sleeping, breathing quietly next to him. He runs his fingers on Steve's cheeks, Steve stirs a little , and opens his sleepy eyes, and smiles when he sees Tony, and god, he's lucky isn't he ? Tony is lucky to find Steve, to have Steve and he's so lucky to be in love with someone as good and right as Steve.

 

“Hey” Tony whispers, and Steve whines and starts stretching like a kitten, and Tony thinks _adorable_ and he wants to nuzzle his nose in Steve's neck and take in his smell and he wants to die smelling Seve because he loves it, loves the fragrance and loves Steve.

 

“Hi, you good ?”

 

“Yeh, and you sleepyhead ?”

 

“Felt tired. Didn't see you this morning.” Steve mumbles and he's pouting and Tony wants to melt.

 

“Sorry boy, we did some progress today.”

 

“Really ? Tell me about it” and Steve has his eyes half open and his curious look on and then Tony is gone, gone in his technical, inventive, always improving world, and Seve just watches, having long forgotten about trying to undersand what Tony says when he goes on about science stuff.

 

Steve is watching and he loves the look on Tony's face, _his_ Tony, this look of genuine interest and deep passion, and he forgets about doubts concerning revenge and schemes. Because Tony is pure and unspoilt and clean and he's sand and Steve is the waves , roaming on the shore, connecting with as much sand as allowed. And he is in awe, he knows of Tony's beautiful mind, his always on edge, always thinking of improvment, evolution mind, but he's still in awe. And Steve tries to keep up, he really does, but there are moments where he just prefers to watch.

 

“And please, could you stop looking at me like that ?” and Tony is slighly laughing and Steve would feel embarassed if he wasn't so in love.

 

“Like what ?”

 

“I don't know, like I hold all the miracles of the world in my hands.” Tony shrugs.

 

Oh, but he does, Steve thinks. Tony does hold them all and Steve sees it, and there are miracles emanating from his lover in front of him, it's a miracle they're here, when there's a war outside, and when so many things try to drag them apart. And it's funny, the captain thinks, how you have to lose someone to realise how much you love them.

 

“You're a miracle.”

 

And he doesn't mean for the words to slip out of his mouh, but he didn't mean to fall in love either and look where he is now, he's too far gone, to even think of going back. And he doesn't think before he brings Tony down and crash their lips together, before Tony can say anything. And there shouldn't be any thinking when it comes to kissing someone you love, and Steve is just starting to realize that and he can't stop himself and he doesn't want to stop and Tony's hands in his hair is the only sign he needs to continue.

 

**Author's Note:**

> First Steve/Tony fiction I post on here so let me know what you guys think !


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